Dude, It’s Time to Move

There are plenty of typical reasons for moving: To upsize, to downsize, to get closer to work, to retire, to be closer to family.

It’s the unadvertised, little-known motivations that the buyer never hears about.

Like these:

Unwanted Friends. You never knew your neighbors until COVID. Now you do.

Bodies. Ran out of room to bury them.

Terrorism. As it turns out, your neighbors are terrorists. You didn’t know until COVID kept you home from work and you noticed them coming and going with their mysterious packages and furtive goings-on. Once you invested in binoculars, you could see clearly that these folks are up to no good.

Snoops. Every time you open the door to pick up a package from Amazon (today: two packages of toilet paper and a new WeedEater), you notice your neighbor peering out her window with binoculars.

View. Used to be you had a view of a lovely meadow. Now, you have a view of your neighbor’s Winnebago, which he consistently parks in front of your house.

View 2. You built a fence around your yard to ensure privacy. Worked great until the neighbors bought a trampoline/pool slide and located it near your fence so you could watch their kids going up and down, up and down, up and down.

Smoke. Covid came and your neighbors began working remotely, taking every-2-hour smoke breaks in the backyard. In January, they switched from cigarettes to pot.

Pets. Your neighbor is always yelling out the door at her dogs.

Pets 2. You are always yelling out the door at your neighbor’s dogs.

Crime. The check-cashing business behind your house is always getting robbed. The robbers keep jumping the fence and making a mess of your flower beds.

FIRE. When you live in a neighborhood that, while not currently ON fire, could be ignited soon.

Family. You just received notice that your family members have decided to move closer to you.

Family 2. You moved here to be close to family, but now they’ve suddenly gotten a transfer and are leaving, so now you’ll have to move again!

House with love graffiti
The neighborhood kids just LOVE your house!

Coven. The local coven’s backyard bonfire dances are keeping you up at night.

Unwanted Paint. When you wake up and find your car/house/fence tagged with inscrutable code words or words you wish were inscrutable code words. Or just words.

The Burbs. You are allergic to the smell of freshly-mown grass, fabric softener sheets and barbecue smoke.

Terrorism 2. You moved to the country for peace and quiet. Now a roving band of turkeys terrorizes you by day and a noisy chorus of tree frogs keeps you up at night.

Dude with rocket launcher
Neighborhood watch: BYOB (Bring Your Own Bazooka)

COLD WAR. The neighborhood straw-polled its membership informally, via the NextDoor app, Facebook posts and lawn signs during the election, and discovered it was mostly conservative or mostly liberal. Those in the minority are getting the stink eye.

CIVIL WAR. The above, only where the neighborhood is a 50-50 hybrid of two camps and the result is stolen signs, the multiplication of hostile signs, Facebook offensives, and finally, the strategic emptying of dogs on front lawns. And also, no, you will not get your borrowed WeedEater back anytime soon.

SUPERHEROES. Your child’s fledgling superhero powers vaporized your neighbor’s Winnebago. You were happy but now your neighbor is suing.

SHED DWELLERS. You discovered that there is a man living in your shed. You are too afraid to ask for your WeedEater.

SHED DWELLERS 2. You are living in some guy’s shed and there is no longer enough room since you got that great Amazon deal on discount bomb parts.

MASKS. Your neighbors refuse to wear masks and the cops refuse to arrest them.

PROCESS SERVERS. If they can’t find you, they can’t sue you.

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