There are plenty of typical reasons for moving: To upsize, to downsize, to get closer to work, to retire, to be closer to family.
It’s the unadvertised, little-known motivations that the buyer never hears about.
Unwanted Friends. You never knew your neighbors until COVID. Now you do.
Bodies. Ran out of room to bury them.
Terrorism. As it turns out, your neighbors are terrorists. You didn’t know until COVID kept you home from work and you noticed them coming and going with their mysterious packages and furtive goings-on. Once you invested in binoculars, you could see clearly that these folks are up to no good.
Snoops. Every time you open the door to pick up a package from Amazon (today: two packages of toilet paper and a new WeedEater), you notice your neighbor peering out her window with binoculars.
View. Used to be you had a view of a lovely meadow. Now, you have a view of your neighbor’s Winnebago, which he consistently parks in front of your house.
View 2. You built a fence around your yard to ensure privacy. Worked great until the neighbors bought a trampoline/pool slide and located it near your fence so you could watch their kids going up and down, up and down, up and down.
Smoke. Covid came and your neighbors began working remotely, taking every-2-hour smoke breaks in the backyard. In January, they switched from cigarettes to pot.
Pets. Your neighbor is always yelling out the door at her dogs.
Pets 2. You are always yelling out the door at your neighbor’s dogs.
Crime. The check-cashing business behind your house is always getting robbed. The robbers keep jumping the fence and making a mess of your flower beds.
FIRE. When you live in a neighborhood that, while not currently ON fire, could be ignited soon.
Family. You just received notice that your family members have decided to move closer to you.
Family 2. You moved here to be close to family, but now they’ve suddenly gotten a transfer and are leaving, so now you’ll have to move again!
Coven. The local coven’s backyard bonfire dances are keeping you up at night.
Unwanted Paint. When you wake up and find your car/house/fence tagged with inscrutable code words or words you wish were inscrutable code words. Or just words.
The Burbs. You are allergic to the smell of freshly-mown grass, fabric softener sheets and barbecue smoke.
Terrorism 2. You moved to the country for peace and quiet. Now a roving band of turkeys terrorizes you by day and a noisy chorus of tree frogs keeps you up at night.
COLD WAR. The neighborhood straw-polled its membership informally, via the NextDoor app, Facebook posts and lawn signs during the election, and discovered it was mostly conservative or mostly liberal. Those in the minority are getting the stink eye.
CIVIL WAR. The above, only where the neighborhood is a 50-50 hybrid of two camps and the result is stolen signs, the multiplication of hostile signs, Facebook offensives, and finally, the strategic emptying of dogs on front lawns. And also, no, you will not get your borrowed WeedEater back anytime soon.
SUPERHEROES. Your child’s fledgling superhero powers vaporized your neighbor’s Winnebago. You were happy but now your neighbor is suing.
SHED DWELLERS. You discovered that there is a man living in your shed. You are too afraid to ask for your WeedEater.
SHED DWELLERS2. You are living in some guy’s shed and there is no longer enough room since you got that great Amazon deal on discount bomb parts.
MASKS. Your neighbors refuse to wear masks and the cops refuse to arrest them.
PROCESS SERVERS. If they can’t find you, they can’t sue you.
It’s time for something nice to arrive in your mailbox. Starbucks coffee, Subway sandwiches or dinner at Red Robin. Yes! It could happen to YOU!
Just refer your friends to me and I’ll not only take great care of them as they shop for a house or market their houses with me, but I will send You a gift card for something delicious, too!
Is that a great deal or what?!
I would have written sooner, but I’ve been stampeded.
It’s that kind of market, where frantic buyers crawl over other frantic buyers and knock over elderly folks to get into a house that’s for sale; where other agents yell at you because there are so many showings on your listing that their buyer clients can’t get into the house for several days. If at all.
Last week’s particular attraction: A lovingly and carefully restored vintage bungalow in McMinnville. The seller received 46 showings in a single 4-day period, and 21 offers.
On the one hand, it is testimony to the low-supply market, but also to the power of Effort, since while other similarly priced properties had good foot traffic and more than one offer resulting, this one house made buyers swoon. And swooning is the foundation for some spectacular offers.
One online real estate platform has a feature called “Make Me Move”, where would-be sellers publish the extravagant prices at which they would sell the house they have no real reason to sell. The buyer match for that feature should be “Make Me Buy”, which might feature things that make our knees weak, that bring a tear to the eye and a lump to the throat. Things that are not just about function, but about beauty. Things to Love.
And what is it we love? Moldings. We love them all – crown, casing and omigosh, dentil!! A substantial white gloss baseboard topped with quarter-round. And backsplashes: Five to 15-inch backsplashes of mosaic glass or stone. A substantial mantel over the fireplace. One or two glass –front kitchen cabinets. Cool drawer pulls. A medallion on the ceiling! …Sniff. Lovely.
And Love makes you do crazy things.
Like waive inspection. And appraisal!
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you. Or, eating your couch while you are gone.
Now that many of us are returning to offices, our dogs/cats/miscellaneous fauna are left to their own devices. Just what are they up to? Let’s not wait til we get home to find out.
Enter the Wyze wireless camera system, a spy-on-your-little-friends box that allows you to watch, in real time, what those critters are up to via your smart phone. The camera, mounted in your living room, is wide-angled enough to capture the entire space in vivid detail. You will see every little chomp, rip, and tear and be able to tell which of the innocent-looking fur children is peeing on your ottoman or feasting on the Ficus.
And, you needn’t rush home to stop the carnage. No, you can talk to the little vandals through the camera. No! Stop! Heel! The pups might not know How you are Here, just that you are Almighty and Powerful and should be obeyed immediately.
The audio feature works both ways, of course. Not only can they hear you, but you can hear them, barking at the UPS man. Or planning world domination…
Or setting up a backroom poker game with the chihuahuas next door.
The camera has proven to be a help for those whose animals have health issues as well. Keep an eye on an ailing pup while you are gone or talk to your pet when he is agitated. It’s you, there, when you can’t be there!
$39 in your app store.